Deficit of Attention

If you read the chapter about Happy People, you will understand a little bit about what my life has been like. I have been like that all of my life. Psychologists have told me that this is somewhat a function of my ADD, having a high level of intelligence and being creative. I am always on a natural high, except when I am on a natural low. There is no even setting for me. It’s like living on a roller coaster. It’s fun and exciting, but when everything drops, it really drops.

ADD is just another aspect of my day-to-day issue.

Imagine for a moment a huge traffic jam. In New York. Rush hour. Friday. When the president is in town.

Imagine the Autobahn.

Think of a beehive.

Splice those three images together and you have a basic example of what happens in my brain every day.

It is hard for me to play pool because all of the colors and patterns on the balls distract me. Those pictures that you are supposed to look at for 30 seconds and then you see the image – I have never once seen the image. My mind is too busy being occupied by those thousands of little dots that I can can’t focus back on the real picture.

Information overload is something that happens to people that have ADD or ADHD. All of that mental traffic starts flowing and before you know it, there is a freeway going on in my cerebrum. It’s gets so bad that sometimes I have to sit down. It’s like someone is hanging on my head…not heavily at first, but then it drags you down.

A good way to illustrate what happens with me is this. I was with a friend and she was a rabbit and she directed my attention toward it. My response – “I have to go to the gym”. That was honestly my first response. This is why – Rabbits jump. Jumping made me think of jumping rope. That I had not jumped rope in a long time reminded me that I needed to go to the gym. Therefore, the rabbit made me realize that I should go to the gym.

Imagine living like that everyday.

It’s not a problem – it is a learning and processing difference.

I always had the classic signs, but most of my teachers must have picked up on the fact that I was really bright and that with pushing, I could finish my work. The key here was pushing. If I were assigned 10 questions, I would do 5. I could never complete anything. Cleaning my room was and still is as painful as removing my own intestine with a dull butter knife without anesthesia would be. My wardrobe has a lot of the same color in it, because I get distracted with lots of different patterns. You can’t imagine how happy I was to see the monochrome look become stylish.

I forget my thoughts all the time. I have to take paper everywhere I go like I have amnesia so that I can write down things that I need to know. This is useful, especially when I move from room to room and forget what I am doing in the first place. I have to do the crossword puzzle in class so that the teacher is my distraction and thus I end up paying attention to the teacher.

There are lots of other things that I do to cope with this, and I could probably explain ADD much better right now, but I am distracted by the need to write this chapter.

I tried to write this chapter so many times, but I lost focus.

Awkward Boy (trying too hard)

I was with a couple of friends yesterday, and one of them brought their friend.
I have never seen someone try so hard and fail so miserably. Everything that anyone said, here he comes with some off the wall comments that he obviously thought would get a reaction. Each comment did get a reaction, but not what he was looking for, probably. It caused most people to get annoyed now each time he opened his mouth. It was painful to observe this. I could see through each of his attempts to make a foray into the conversation, that all he wanted was for someone to laugh at his joke, agree with his opinion. But in reality, he really needed one of us to acknowledge him, validate him, say 'It's ok, I know that you are here, you are uneasy, and you need to be reassured. So relax.'

We know, though, that in most social settings, there is never a way to do this.

What was interesting though, is that when I walked away, I really had to ponder what had troubled me so about being in the presence of this awkward person. I searched until I realized it: The pain in watching this character fall on his face again and again had to do with that I have been there before. I have been that person that, whether it was obvious through my words, or actions, was hoping and looking for acceptance in his peers. I have been the kid that really hopes that someone likes what he says, laughs at his jokes, etc., either because that person was so witty or smart or charming in their form of braggadocio that I secretly envied it, and wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the person basking in the sunlight of acceptance.

I especially remember always thinking, in regards one of my cousins, 'This guy is incredibly funny. I will never ever think to say anything as witty or funny as what just falls out of his mouth. I wish that I could be like'.

Then I realized that people were noticing me, albeit maybe not for the right reason. Essentially, it was obvous that I was trying to hard. Once I came to that conclusion, I decided not to fight hard to get other people's approval, but strive diligently to be worthy of my own acceptance. I am eccentric, and nonconformist, and you just have to accept that if you are going to be in my presence.

And now, I do command positive attention in my circles, and I do feel accepted in my own skin.

I wish that I could sit Awkward Boy down and explain this to him, and let him know that he doesn't have to work so hard, but the self development that I gained from the realization of what I was doing wrongly has taught me lessons that I will always appreciate.

To my geeks, misfits, weird kids, dorks, and weird kids (which all of us are at some point) - Rock on, your time will come.