My father was a quiet person, so it's appropriate that he passed in a silent early morning at the end of winter. It could very well explain why I have such a disdain for this cold, harsh season.
I never grew up celebrating holidays, and yet this winter season always reminds me of what it is like to get together with family. There were those festive time in my aunt's house where everyone brought some dish, and the older folks sat around and laughed and reminisced about their old times. The older of the cousins did the cool things like drove to the store to get whatever was needed or played outside. The younger ones of us or the less outdoors inclined would watch TV or play music or sing. We had great times. Those were good times.
I don't remember much about my dad in those times. He was there, present, happy to be around family that was more inclusive than his own. I remember that I never really heard him talk much at home, but this is when I could actually hear my father talk about things. I learned that he was human.
Sometimes when winter rolls around, I think about picking up the phone or making a trip over to the house to see how he is. And then I pause, and collect my thoughts, and I am instantly transported to the moment when I saw his monitor display a single final flatline. I remember the quiet in the wintry Edison hospital room where he lay, and the eerie calm of my mother, sister and I as we gathered things from the room, and left the room, not really grasping what was transpiring, and yet fully aware of what we had just witnessed. I remember the starkness of the white wall that held me up as I stopped and felt unable to feel, or unable to move. Even now, I sometimes question why I did not run back to that room until I had every verification possible that there was no life left in him. Yet, when one of your parents dies, there is no mistaking or doubts possible. It is as if one of the directions was removed from your compass. Choose which one would like to erase - it's nonsensical. As it is now, so weird and disconcerting.
And then I see people with their families, families expecting new additions, couples preparing to get married, students graduating, many different landmarks, and I realize that I will never have the joy of sharing this with my father. I won't also really have his approval or support in any way. It's not a lament, but sometimes I just need to accept that this is the natural reaction I have and why this time is so difficult.
And, alas, winter, as is life, is brief and fleeting.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Deficit of Attention
If you read the chapter about Happy People, you will understand a little bit about what my life has been like. I have been like that all of my life. Psychologists have told me that this is somewhat a function of my ADD, having a high level of intelligence and being creative. I am always on a natural high, except when I am on a natural low. There is no even setting for me. It’s like living on a roller coaster. It’s fun and exciting, but when everything drops, it really drops.
ADD is just another aspect of my day-to-day issue.
Imagine for a moment a huge traffic jam. In New York. Rush hour. Friday. When the president is in town.
Imagine the Autobahn.
Think of a beehive.
Splice those three images together and you have a basic example of what happens in my brain every day.
It is hard for me to play pool because all of the colors and patterns on the balls distract me. Those pictures that you are supposed to look at for 30 seconds and then you see the image – I have never once seen the image. My mind is too busy being occupied by those thousands of little dots that I can can’t focus back on the real picture.
Information overload is something that happens to people that have ADD or ADHD. All of that mental traffic starts flowing and before you know it, there is a freeway going on in my cerebrum. It’s gets so bad that sometimes I have to sit down. It’s like someone is hanging on my head…not heavily at first, but then it drags you down.
A good way to illustrate what happens with me is this. I was with a friend and she was a rabbit and she directed my attention toward it. My response – “I have to go to the gym”. That was honestly my first response. This is why – Rabbits jump. Jumping made me think of jumping rope. That I had not jumped rope in a long time reminded me that I needed to go to the gym. Therefore, the rabbit made me realize that I should go to the gym.
Imagine living like that everyday.
It’s not a problem – it is a learning and processing difference.
I always had the classic signs, but most of my teachers must have picked up on the fact that I was really bright and that with pushing, I could finish my work. The key here was pushing. If I were assigned 10 questions, I would do 5. I could never complete anything. Cleaning my room was and still is as painful as removing my own intestine with a dull butter knife without anesthesia would be. My wardrobe has a lot of the same color in it, because I get distracted with lots of different patterns. You can’t imagine how happy I was to see the monochrome look become stylish.
I forget my thoughts all the time. I have to take paper everywhere I go like I have amnesia so that I can write down things that I need to know. This is useful, especially when I move from room to room and forget what I am doing in the first place. I have to do the crossword puzzle in class so that the teacher is my distraction and thus I end up paying attention to the teacher.
There are lots of other things that I do to cope with this, and I could probably explain ADD much better right now, but I am distracted by the need to write this chapter.
I tried to write this chapter so many times, but I lost focus.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Awkward Boy (trying too hard)
I was with a couple of friends yesterday, and one of them brought their friend.
I have never seen someone try so hard and fail so miserably. Everything that anyone said, here he comes with some off the wall comments that he obviously thought would get a reaction. Each comment did get a reaction, but not what he was looking for, probably. It caused most people to get annoyed now each time he opened his mouth. It was painful to observe this. I could see through each of his attempts to make a foray into the conversation, that all he wanted was for someone to laugh at his joke, agree with his opinion. But in reality, he really needed one of us to acknowledge him, validate him, say 'It's ok, I know that you are here, you are uneasy, and you need to be reassured. So relax.'
We know, though, that in most social settings, there is never a way to do this.
What was interesting though, is that when I walked away, I really had to ponder what had troubled me so about being in the presence of this awkward person. I searched until I realized it: The pain in watching this character fall on his face again and again had to do with that I have been there before. I have been that person that, whether it was obvious through my words, or actions, was hoping and looking for acceptance in his peers. I have been the kid that really hopes that someone likes what he says, laughs at his jokes, etc., either because that person was so witty or smart or charming in their form of braggadocio that I secretly envied it, and wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the person basking in the sunlight of acceptance.
I especially remember always thinking, in regards one of my cousins, 'This guy is incredibly funny. I will never ever think to say anything as witty or funny as what just falls out of his mouth. I wish that I could be like'.
Then I realized that people were noticing me, albeit maybe not for the right reason. Essentially, it was obvous that I was trying to hard. Once I came to that conclusion, I decided not to fight hard to get other people's approval, but strive diligently to be worthy of my own acceptance. I am eccentric, and nonconformist, and you just have to accept that if you are going to be in my presence.
And now, I do command positive attention in my circles, and I do feel accepted in my own skin.
I wish that I could sit Awkward Boy down and explain this to him, and let him know that he doesn't have to work so hard, but the self development that I gained from the realization of what I was doing wrongly has taught me lessons that I will always appreciate.
To my geeks, misfits, weird kids, dorks, and weird kids (which all of us are at some point) - Rock on, your time will come.
I have never seen someone try so hard and fail so miserably. Everything that anyone said, here he comes with some off the wall comments that he obviously thought would get a reaction. Each comment did get a reaction, but not what he was looking for, probably. It caused most people to get annoyed now each time he opened his mouth. It was painful to observe this. I could see through each of his attempts to make a foray into the conversation, that all he wanted was for someone to laugh at his joke, agree with his opinion. But in reality, he really needed one of us to acknowledge him, validate him, say 'It's ok, I know that you are here, you are uneasy, and you need to be reassured. So relax.'
We know, though, that in most social settings, there is never a way to do this.
What was interesting though, is that when I walked away, I really had to ponder what had troubled me so about being in the presence of this awkward person. I searched until I realized it: The pain in watching this character fall on his face again and again had to do with that I have been there before. I have been that person that, whether it was obvious through my words, or actions, was hoping and looking for acceptance in his peers. I have been the kid that really hopes that someone likes what he says, laughs at his jokes, etc., either because that person was so witty or smart or charming in their form of braggadocio that I secretly envied it, and wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the person basking in the sunlight of acceptance.
I especially remember always thinking, in regards one of my cousins, 'This guy is incredibly funny. I will never ever think to say anything as witty or funny as what just falls out of his mouth. I wish that I could be like'.
Then I realized that people were noticing me, albeit maybe not for the right reason. Essentially, it was obvous that I was trying to hard. Once I came to that conclusion, I decided not to fight hard to get other people's approval, but strive diligently to be worthy of my own acceptance. I am eccentric, and nonconformist, and you just have to accept that if you are going to be in my presence.
And now, I do command positive attention in my circles, and I do feel accepted in my own skin.
I wish that I could sit Awkward Boy down and explain this to him, and let him know that he doesn't have to work so hard, but the self development that I gained from the realization of what I was doing wrongly has taught me lessons that I will always appreciate.
To my geeks, misfits, weird kids, dorks, and weird kids (which all of us are at some point) - Rock on, your time will come.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Got to get it tight, Got to get it right (Excerpt from forthcoming book "Autobiography of Some Guy" )
Got to get it tight, got to get it right
I was five when I was first introduced to the wonderful world of dieting. Two of my relatives sequestered me in the kitchen and showed me a salad as if it was the Holy Grail. I was told how I needed to be on a diet. I don’t think that I really understood what a diet was at 5.
I know now.
I know what diets are, the meaning of fats, carbohydrates, body mass indicators, pilates and yoga. I’ve learned so much about dieting and weight loss that I feel like I can write a book on it. (Maybe I will if I ever finish this one.)
After I broke up with my ex-fiancée, I decided to drop all of my inhibitions and enter a gym. Basically, I emerged from there 80 pounds lighter. Then I hit that plateau where I didn’t lose anything or gain anything. That’s more frustrating than being in a war with a gun full of ammo, trying to shoot people, but your gun is jammed.
Then my loss started happening again when I embarked on what I called “My 90 day Plan to be a Sexier Man”. It’s been a lot of hard work, but I have been happy to see my results. My body is starting to take the form that I always wanted and always knew was somewhere under my skin. My newest inspiration is not a diet. Diets are for doodleheads. (That’s my statement; you can quote me on that.) It’s not a reunion or a wedding for which I am toning. It’s just good old me. I have inspired me.
That and a little help from Beyonce and Trinity from the Matrix.
Trinity (laying on her back having jumped down a flight of stairs): “Get up!”
Beyoncé (on getting herself in shape): “Got to get it tight, Got to get it right.”
What else would you expect from me but to have these aphorisms run my fitness life?
For me, though, I have always had a problem with my weight. I have always been heavy. It seems to me that skinny people have more issues with trying to be skinny or skinnier than a lot of bigger people including me have had with always been thick and wanting to see a change.
For instance, this girl I knew that I used to tutor, let’s call her Lisa, used to obsess over weight issues. Of course, like I have intimated a little earlier, when you are not small, you think that everyone that is smaller than you are should have no problem with body image. I have learned differently thanks to Lisa and others that I have met that, to me, seem like waifs, but to them, seem like whales awaiting harpooning. She was a really nice girl, and I thought that she was quite attractive, to be honest.
Anyway, so I am in the middle of tutoring her, when one of her roommates comes into the kitchen area, where we are, at the table. Roommate approaches and asks everyone in the kitchen (including me) “Did you eat my ice cream?” This impassioned plea reminded me of the best soap opera moments that only make sense in a world of complete make-believe. I have never heard someone so concerned about food, especially a dessert. (Well, there was that time when I flipped out because my father ate my apple cinnamon pancakes, but even the drama king that I am, I didn’t react this vehemently.) It was like a mother looking for her child, or how Hello Kitty would be if she could lament why she has no mouth. (Of course, if she had a mouth, which the stuffed Hello Kitty Dolls and the drawn cartoon version don’t, this would nullify her need to have this discussion. You get my drift.)
So, she went to each person in the house to ask them if they were responsible for demolishing her ice cream supply.
She even asked me.
So when it became clear that the culprit was not present, or might have been too afraid to face her wrath at the moment, she went on to relate to us, almost tearfully how she had “bought this ice cream so that” she could “eat for a week”. No, she had not bought peanut butter and jelly or a chicken, or even crackers. She bought a ½ gallon of ice cream for a week’s worth of nourishment. However, the ridiculousness does not stop there.
So she tells us how she had no money now, not even enough to put gas in her car to go to work. (It would seem that she should have wanted to work more, if she had to be put in this situation.) She had bought this ½ gallon of frozen cream heaven so that she would not starve and someone decided to eat almost all of it. In her defense, the ½ gallon had really been decimated as if a plague or a hungry nation had devoured it.
She left a letter for the culprit and she read it to us. Basically, it read:
“Hi. I hope that you enjoyed my ice cream. That was all that I had to eat for this week. Here’s the rest of it to finish since you liked it so much. I hope that you are planning to buy me another one.”
It is to be noted that this note was read to us with the seriousness of a president declaring war on the world.
How surprising, then, is it to find out that one of the girls in the house was later diagnosed with bulimia? Apparently, after months of mysterious food decimation, this one girl was caught scarfing down another roommate’s food, and the girls of the house put two and two together.
This is proof that everyone’s battle is different and offers different challenges.
I hate crunches, but they are a necessary thing, like breathing.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Self-affirmation (I am worth it)
Love yourself, because why would anyone else want to do it, if you don't?
Being an artist and aspiring entrepreneur, I have faced a barrage of comments over the past few years as to what I should do with my life. I have found that no matter how successful or unsuccessful they are, some people always seem to regard themselves as the best authority on how to be successful. I have been told many times to abandon my dreams, move on to something real, focus on one thing, My project focuses on a man with many talents taking the journey to see which one is best for him. So it is going to seem disjointed and haphazard for a while, but I know what I am doing.
Is everyone going to believe in me? no, but this is not something abnormal. The average person thinks the average way, which is that everyone inyour sphere is average, just as yoare, and thus, wilol only ever be average. There are the self-absorbed that feel that they are better than everyone else and they will always outd and outperform everyone, because they are superior. Then there is where I consider myself to be, convinced of my talent but humble and aware that I am niether alone nor the alpha or omega in this world. I do conside myself to be unique, and motivated and able to succeed, I don't think that I am answer to every question. And I do value my frind's and acquaintance's opinions (just not equally, and not in place of my own.
A little self-affirmation, on a day when I needed it....
Being an artist and aspiring entrepreneur, I have faced a barrage of comments over the past few years as to what I should do with my life. I have found that no matter how successful or unsuccessful they are, some people always seem to regard themselves as the best authority on how to be successful. I have been told many times to abandon my dreams, move on to something real, focus on one thing, My project focuses on a man with many talents taking the journey to see which one is best for him. So it is going to seem disjointed and haphazard for a while, but I know what I am doing.
Is everyone going to believe in me? no, but this is not something abnormal. The average person thinks the average way, which is that everyone inyour sphere is average, just as yoare, and thus, wilol only ever be average. There are the self-absorbed that feel that they are better than everyone else and they will always outd and outperform everyone, because they are superior. Then there is where I consider myself to be, convinced of my talent but humble and aware that I am niether alone nor the alpha or omega in this world. I do conside myself to be unique, and motivated and able to succeed, I don't think that I am answer to every question. And I do value my frind's and acquaintance's opinions (just not equally, and not in place of my own.
A little self-affirmation, on a day when I needed it....
Transcending (Collage)
Social networking can create as many avenues for connection as avenues and connections to be desired. You can become instant friends with someone else who also happened to watch the Dancing Kittens video on youtube, while never maintaing contact with family members that you now can access via email, SKYPE, text, video chat and more. Does this signal that relations that we used to value are unnecessry, or lost? Or does this mean that maybe we are developing a new sense of family and friends, the ones that we really want to contact at a moment's notice? What does that say about all of out interactions in the past? Were they forced because all we had was face to face communication as kids, or were they really true?
Things that I think about in the morning as I send my cousin an IM to congratulate him on something. I never once call him, nor have I even thought to grab his number. Yet, I will drop him a note via email to keep up.
Events like these have really made me question whether what has been in the past is even necessary to maintain or revisit.
Do you need to leave the past behind to leave a legacy? Or are the two intertwined?
Some people will say that things and persons come into your life for a reason, for a season, and that is just the way the life is. Some people say that you can count your true friends on your fingers. So that means that roughly about 10 people in your life are truly worth note, and the rest are just passing incidences that amuse or teach us a lesson. I am not sure that any of these are true, but one things is certain. I think the most impactful thing is treating each moment like it has some value without being lost in assessing that value in the moment. If I am having a conversation with someone, I don't need to really be thinking about if our exchange is blog-worthy, or should I take out a pen and paper and jot down the highlights. However , if something profound happens in that moment, I should remember it and not feel bad about wanting to take this piece of my soon to be past and make it part of my present considerations.
Thus, I feel that the past and the present are allowed to meld together. It is not of note how you connect with people, but that you do. Be grateful if you have the oppotunity to connect with various people - think of the world of connections, possible friends, lovers, soulmates, and support that you could create for yourself or be part of, for someone else.
Things that I think about in the morning as I send my cousin an IM to congratulate him on something. I never once call him, nor have I even thought to grab his number. Yet, I will drop him a note via email to keep up.
Events like these have really made me question whether what has been in the past is even necessary to maintain or revisit.
Do you need to leave the past behind to leave a legacy? Or are the two intertwined?
Some people will say that things and persons come into your life for a reason, for a season, and that is just the way the life is. Some people say that you can count your true friends on your fingers. So that means that roughly about 10 people in your life are truly worth note, and the rest are just passing incidences that amuse or teach us a lesson. I am not sure that any of these are true, but one things is certain. I think the most impactful thing is treating each moment like it has some value without being lost in assessing that value in the moment. If I am having a conversation with someone, I don't need to really be thinking about if our exchange is blog-worthy, or should I take out a pen and paper and jot down the highlights. However , if something profound happens in that moment, I should remember it and not feel bad about wanting to take this piece of my soon to be past and make it part of my present considerations.
Thus, I feel that the past and the present are allowed to meld together. It is not of note how you connect with people, but that you do. Be grateful if you have the oppotunity to connect with various people - think of the world of connections, possible friends, lovers, soulmates, and support that you could create for yourself or be part of, for someone else.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
There comes a time in every man's life when he says whatev's
What does that mean? It's when something is so ridiculous, it does not even have enough worth to receive the full syllabication of the word "whatever".
Life is short. Time is precious. Too precious to lose energy on things that don't matter or don't need to matter as much as we are letting them.
For instance, I was at work the other day, and a business came in with some free food for us and for our clients. Literally, for the next 30 minutes, there was discussion about how to set out the food, how should we tell the customers, should we tell the customers, will they like it, is this the right type of food for our clientele. At the end of all of this, what happpened? The food got cold, I ended up with all the food. and then, putting it in the refrigerator was the last resort, except that someine unplugged the fridge by accident, and all the food went to waste anyway. What if they had just put out the food? How much would lives have changed if customers had a chance to sample free food that came to our location with that specific intent? For everyone that might not have liked it, there is going to be that other person who will love it. They never got a chance to try it because some bubbleheads couldn 't get it together
Whatev's...
What does that mean? It's when something is so ridiculous, it does not even have enough worth to receive the full syllabication of the word "whatever".
Life is short. Time is precious. Too precious to lose energy on things that don't matter or don't need to matter as much as we are letting them.
For instance, I was at work the other day, and a business came in with some free food for us and for our clients. Literally, for the next 30 minutes, there was discussion about how to set out the food, how should we tell the customers, should we tell the customers, will they like it, is this the right type of food for our clientele. At the end of all of this, what happpened? The food got cold, I ended up with all the food. and then, putting it in the refrigerator was the last resort, except that someine unplugged the fridge by accident, and all the food went to waste anyway. What if they had just put out the food? How much would lives have changed if customers had a chance to sample free food that came to our location with that specific intent? For everyone that might not have liked it, there is going to be that other person who will love it. They never got a chance to try it because some bubbleheads couldn 't get it together
Whatev's...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
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